cats

today is the day that i would never forget. i mean im not exactly sure what is the date or day is today (cuz im on break, so it’s pretty much understable that you wont care much bout the hanging calender on the wall), but this moment in my life, would be the best (or worst) memory to be folded in history.

a few hours ago, mom asked me if it is ok to put the cats at some other places that are far from my house. mom couldnt stand the fact that they pissed on the floor and made some unpleasant smell that will worry her when the guess come visiting us. she also concerned about the cleanliness of her space to pray. i totally got it. in fact i dont like my praying space is contaminated by this mess either. and whats worse when your feet are still wet from wuduk, and by stepping on the dried piss really makes you feel kind of stepping on the freshly expelled urine from these cats. i totally got it.

it saddened me when the cat still has her babies to take care of. this cat actually wasnt part of the family before. we never rose a cat in our house. but mom constantly fed her during her pregnancy period, and once told her in motherly tone – aku boleh kasi kat hang makanan dan tempat tinggal sementara ja, aku mintak maaf aku tak mampu nak bela hang (i can only effort your temporarily food and shelter until u givebirth to your baby, im sorry im powerless to take good acre of you afterwards). i realised mom wasnt hating the cat, she only felt pity to the cat  which was restlessly finding food from many angels of this small alley to make sure her loads were in good health. so she frequently gave her uncooked fish and other leaf overs so that the cat didn’t have to move much for food. moms, they know each other.

but after one and half months, when all the kitten had grown a bit older, when they were unstoppable, barely controllable,  mom finally brought up the promise she made to the cat. we were in awe in a bad way. even though they were nasty fellows in the house, we enjoyed watching them doing crazy things. hearing the suggestion to chase the cat out of the house really made us swallow our own hearts. i couldnt stop hoping if this was a joke.

early in the morning, we tried putting them at the surau not far from here. mom tricked them with the rice mixed with some anchovy. minutes after. i saw a kitten at my doorstep and the cat left for another passengers. i laughed. mom too. this cat was brilliant. if not because of her kids urinating at the wrong place, mom would have changed the term ‘shelter’ to ‘home’ for them. i wanted to tell mom that they are still small, they dont know anything – i definitely had not gut. half part of me agreed with mom, another half didnt. i pitied them. they were like part of the team. i grew up with the kittens. and losing them is like losing someone important in life which i never experienced this feeling before.

i didnt gave in. to impress mom that i could handle this made me go out early today. i drew some of my cash and bought them the 2 bags of friskies. one for the mother and another one for the kidos. i specifically chose the package for kidos because i thought it’s cool. and its cute to and hoped that the kittens would well behave this time. i even brought them milk, the new delicious beverage to replace the plain water they got from the toilet. i really hope they would love to see the things i got from them when i got home.

as soon as reached home, mom was in the trial to put the cats at the garage. i shouted at mom that i bought them food begged to let them be for a few moments. i opened up the friskies and ushered the food to every single mouth. the cat really enjoyed it, but not for the kittens. i guessed thats probably because they still preferred their fresh yummy milk for the nipples.

Mom was at her worst. she couldnt stay cool anymore as she soon as she was done mopping the floor. she urged me to put the cats to some other place, and she literally meant that she wanted the cats to be disappeared from the house. at that time i felt really horrible, i was pulling at two opposite directions. i almost burst into tears simply for the fact that my compassion was ignored. i didnt blame mom. mom knows best. so i took the cat together with the kids into the car, and brought the food as well. i asked my sister to give her hand so that thing went fast so that i would suffer less.

on my way to the place that i had in mind, i looked at the cat’s face with all my passion. she just sat at the back seat, enjoying the view from rear window. she didnt talk, not even a single meow. but i knew she was sad thinking of her next future with her kids in new place. that really made my heart shattered like a broken glass. my sister was seating next to me, but she didnt say anything. i guessed we both encountered the same exact feeling. everybody seemed to enjoy the silence but the kittens, who kept meowing for no apparent reason. when we hit the place, i took them on the sofa they threw out, the cat and the food together, in hopes that some would take care of them, or just give them the food properly. i didnt turn around because i couldnt contain the guilt and the sadness i was suffering from. deep inside my heart was shaken ; i could really imagine my heart was literally crying. i winded up this moment by furiously pushing the paddle and leaving as quick as i could. only Allah knew my feelings no one would. speeding the car would not change anything apparently. i just let everything took place in me be it a bad feeling or not i didnt care. i paid for my ‘wrongdoing’.

 

 

 

me is back

YAY!

it’s holiday *firework*.. and i am terribly sorry for the long gone disappearance ! actually i might just delete that apology, cuz it just doesnt make sense. im not like famous blogger of sumthing.. haha not funny

well.. ummm idk, i guess i am just so lonely lately that i think i need some space to write down umm a thing. i had something in mind.. that is bothering me, but cant find a correct way to deliver it. not sure if its actually worth sharing, or just keep it personally.

these days, ive been keeping of thinking about my life. like.. what kind of man would i be in the next decade. rite now, a person that i wanted myself to be has not turned up yet, so i feel a little uncomfortable bout it. back in year when i was in high school, i had been imagining myself as a person who would do anything to be on top in academic. i studied hard for my public exam, but my results didnt meet my expectation (my only aim was a straight A’s). i was almost there though, but i could not just rewind the time like a cassette to mend thing. it just dont happen, and if it did, i would imagine it to be even worse. and now that im in the third year, studying chemistry. at this point, what can i say is i am way way too “much” tarnishing my personal reputation. the attitude to embrace it is just bad, and find myself to suffer from lacking of discipline. and i feel like i am fading away in laziness that i commit. i dont feel cool anymore, i need to step up and start my game. there is devil dwelling inside my brain, and im on mission of ending him, darn you laziness. you know what?? i am not usually like this !!!!! <like what??!!>

 

 

 

 

syair si pagi-pagi

pagi-pagi dah keluar mengeteh

dalam kereta aku memandu

entah kemana aku pun tak tahu

dan disatu kedai ku berhenti kat situ

***

masuk aku kedalam perutnya

4 makcik dan 4 cerita

borak-borak dan sembang kosong

resam laki dirumah, dapur tak berasap

***

datang makcik mengambil arahan(order)

laksa dan teh O panas ku memberi tahu

senyum manis si gadis tua

tak ada gigi tak mengapa la

***

di satu sudut duduk si pendeta usang

jauh dia melangkau masa muka

di raut wajah melakar satu kisah

pahit getir seorang yang susah

***

hidup ini penuh keindahan

jauh perjalanan luas permandangan

laksanya sedap, tehnya cukup gula

selepas bayar aku pun bla

random yet true

sad

im in sorrow. i dont know what have i got myself into. i know exactly what i am feeling, but it is hard to convey them in any forms, almost impossible to make it even clear mouthful words.

i still remember. i almost got expelled from college for not completing the diploma’s requirements. i shrugged. i was pulled by two forces in opposite ways. i couldn’t see where my future held. i wanted to go overseas, but to do something that i dont like, is a serious issue to me. i couldnt just quit like that. i had to follow the flow, or i should say i was deadly drowning into super fast stream. yeah i cant image myself as a teacher.

a timid, and incidentally a teacher-to-be. how ironic..

short

ive read an article. about how can we be an interesting person. it says if you want to be one, share stuffs ! it makes sense cuz you not gonna be interesting if you are not willing to share things. which means you keep thing to yrself and no one would bother to get along with you, and if they do, surely they are about to face disappointment.

and.. it says, you should start blogging, flircking (pardon me upon the spelling) and make ‘yrself’ publicized. this simply means all these efforts eventually will come to the root of initial point: sharing ! the things that you share will open up a door for a small discussion between you and others.

and.. it says that, the blog should not be too long. fair enough. i rest my case

dream

i had a dream, a bad one. it was my mother and i, heading to airport. when we arrived, i checked in my ticket. and everything went pretty much as wanted.

wait.

someone please explain what the fuck has just happened to my download ! shit almost finished! XPXPXPXP pissed

to be continued – due to bad mood.

***

and yeah, i am continuing writing cuz i just had the second one. actually they were not terrible at all. no ghost, no bloody accident, but what made them worth freaking out is that they were too real, which took me a very long time to eventually realise that those were fake reality. darn it. i was scared, shivering in cold, and i am happy that they were just mainan syaiton.

someone was trying to steel my clothes, my stuffs and everything. yeah they both had similar pattern of fooling me. i was crying (in heart) like a baby, cuz i tot it was really happening to me. usually when i have a dream, menggosok2 kaki will do the trick to distinguish from fake to real. but for thse two, i didnt do what it takes to finish them. it seemed God intentionally wanted me to learn. and yup, lesson learned. im not sure the exact point of the whole story, it might be that i gotta stop chasing dunia stuffs and start tracing back Allah. while i may have completely gone astray from the truth, i made up the reason and tried to relate what i was recently doing in da last two or three days. i was speechless, and in fact i still am; trying to put everything in more sensible form. to be  honest i am not religious and neither do i wanna argue upon that. but deep down i somehow feel like im ending my last chapter of the life as a religious one, a sheik maybe lol. but rite now i guess it’s not the rite time to change my everything, although i am positive that the only and blessed path is Allah’s way. yet the things that still keep me on living the correct path simply the strong belief i have in my heart; i will be one someday. i have always loved to learn my religion, and practise what i have gained as much as i can, even though nothing are impressive and drastic. i dont expect ppl to view me that way though, and i suspect, yes they dont really do that lol. well, i was born not to impress ppl i must say, i praise myself for my own achievements and thats it. i dont see why must i pay for attention when i know i would eventually fail. i never be the favorite of all kind, and im pretty cool with it.

this makes me sad. everytime it pops up in mind.

Low

yay ! ( wow this is a very fancy spelling for yes nowadays. very lively and full of life. sorry i was trying to get fancy but i literally mean the normal yes, nothing exciting about this entry that you should know this isnt a very nice post to read, ever lol)

i actually am not kind of guy who complains much about surrounding. i must admit sumtime i get this funny little emotions that quite a few time i posted stupid things on facebook in the past. i mean i might have used f-word in my status or whatsoever to show how bad i was, how hard had i gone through, but really, those were bullshits. i am actually quite a nice guy who is looking for betterment in every single day. i am like a normal regular joe, i love to be loved, and likewise i love people around me. Phew! done with GVOK 101. hopefully i managed to convince you that i am not really into complaining stuffs, tapi kalau kadang-kadang tu kira halal la kan lol

but..

recently i watched 2 malay movies named Hantu Mak Limah Balik Rumah (abbr HMLBR)  and Ngangkong. both were from different channels. HMLBR i watched in cinema and Ngangkung i downloaded it from pirated source (yeah piracy is nasty, but ‘for free’ is irresistible, sorry i forget to be a nice guy when it comes to this tehehe). To be honest, i am not a big fan of malay movies, but bombarding positive reviews they got and wide coverage publicity about these movies has shifted my principle slightly . and to be save, emotionally, i didnt expect much when i was watching these two movies, like what i always set in mind, dealing with malay products. At this point i must reveal that there is no twist from my previous statement or new perspective built about malay movies, since waiting the movies to reach the last second was really a nightmare to me. again, after only-God-knows how many time, i felt disappointed and   i cursed myself for falling into this trap again. there were nothing to proud of from HMLBR and Nangkong except lawak bodo yg sangat typical dan spastic yg selalu ditinggimartabatkan oleh penggiat2 seni tanah air. the storyline was not really dynamic, the jokes were cheap, except a few yg boleh dikira agak epic success, and has no diversity. bosan-bosan-bosan. i cant believe i even paid for the seat, and waited macam orang gila to finish downloading. bukan nak kutuk, tapi hakikat tetap hakikat. mungking agak kasar aku nak kutuk product melayu, sebab aku sendiri pun melayu, makan belacan. tapi let’s put it this way; aku as a customer. sure aku melenting. (except download cerita pirate tu beside the point la hehe). part paling sadis bila ramai plak orang melayu duk overrating dua movies ney, sorry lor adik abang ibu2 bapak2, aku rasa lawak derang (pengarah filem) tak da stendet langsung, cerita takdak value yg betul2 tersemat. bukan orang awam jer yg memuji, kengkawan aku yg dok overseas pun layan. haram jadah betoi. tapi aku tak tekejut langsung  kat certain mmber2 aku yg enjoy filem ney  because from experience, they are those people who have really bad taste. lantak lar korang !!

Maybe it is just me who felt that way. But if we look the scenario as a big picture, seriously malay movie industry has no future. Please be informed i am speaking out as concerned customer, maka it is quite personal and agak kasar lol. dont get your ass heated up, okay. hidup ini masih indah. and back to my bad review bout industri perfileman negara, my concern (or keprihatinan lol) has grown beyond anything when i realized that the malays’ mentality are still rooting at the same old point. Tengok lar kat wayang2 around jitra ni, cerita melayu ni berkisar pada 3 tema ja; lawak, hantu, cinta. kita x payah pergi jauh kat amerika, tengok korea sudah la, or thailand maybe, even indonesia. walaupun kengkadang derang sendiri tak ley lari dari stereotype masing-masing (korea=cinta, thai= bunuh, indo=kurafat), but still masih ada gak film derang yg really2 impressive. kalau tak percaya tengok lar cerita madeo aka mother (korea) sebagai panduan. A+ bhai ! aku takda lar cakap film malaysia ni zero, it’s just that kalu rasa2 tak menyubang kepada peningkatan metaliti melayu ke tahap yg lebey tinggi, x yah wat filem lar. kesian kat budak-budak ja, nak berak pun suruh nenek teman pi tandas, bila neneknya nak ke tandas, cucunya plak teman. punya la hidup ney dah sinonim ngan banyangan2 hantu, sungguh sadis ! dunia dah maju, tapi asal gak derang nak wat cerita hantu ?! bosan doe..

harapan aku, agar filem2 melayu berjaya mencuri hati aku balik, and never let it go, again lol. bajet

Hambar

2:33am | Monday | Wellington, NZ

Dah lama rasanya aku meninggalkan blog ni berdebu, berkarat tak berisi. Bukan melupakan, tapi menunggu tiba ruang masa yang kebiasaanya menghimpit. Bila ada sesuap udara untok lepak2, barulah rasa teringin untok menulis sesuatu..

Bila dikenang balik dua tiga hari yang lalu, atau lebih tepat lagi- seminggu yg lalu, aku seolah mati; kehidupan terhenti membeku dari nikmat. Ditambah pulak dengan serangan musim sejuk yang takkan meninggalkan badan dan sendi-sendi menjadi begitu malas dan liat sekali untuk bergerak. Sehingga satu istilah baru dicipta dalam journal hidup: malas nak hidup. Emosi dan perasaan jugak kurang menentu dan sukar dijangka, bercampur aduk. Bila terasa emo atau tacing-tacing, aku gunakan term ni sebagai alasan kukuh (harap-harap la) jika ditanya kenapa muka super masam, ditambah pulak dengan sedikit inisiatif untuk melakar senyuman, aku amat berharap aku dapat menutup kesedihan di muka, dan aku suka jika term ini digunakan sebagai bahasa paling ringkas dan padat bila mulut malas bercakap. Banyak benda yang aku fikirkan dan masalah-masalah ini akan turun ke benak jiwa, mencemar lingkaran diri dengan aura yang kotor dan negetif. Sungguh aku benci hidup sedunia dengan kesedihan dan kemurungan. Aku tak mahu dilihat lemah mengawal emosi. Lebih malang lagi bila aku cuba menyusun masalah-masalah yg ada satu per satu di dalam kotak fikiran, dan akhirnya aku sedar bahawa aku hanya membuang masa dan menyeksa diri.

Musim sejuk adalah musim meratap segala benda yang tak baik. Sesuai dengan warna kelabu langit, dan kelembapan tanah dibasahi selepas hujan, diri ini terasa berteman. Dan dalam situasi yang sebergini aku cenderung untuk menyepikan diri dari masalah baru, jadi aku lebih suka menghabiskan masa menyorok dibawah basement library. Aku sibuk-sibukan diri membaca coretan di dinding basement. Aku sedia maklum yg tempat tu terkenal dengan picisan-picisan murahan dan puisi-puisi sedih, jadi aku merasakan aku berada di tempat yang betul. Sekurang-kurangnya aku terasa terhibur gak dengan karya-karya yang sangat random tu. Kengkadang terusik oleh gegendang telinga dengan bunyi aliran-aliran paip dari seluruh penjuru library. Pernah sekali aku menjadikan bunyi air yang mencurah itu sebagai halwa telingan yang merdu, seperti aliran air terjun yang belum pernah diterokai oleh kerakusan detergent2. Sumber ketenangan ini aku mansuh akan definasinya selepas terbaca satu statement ni ” If one of the tubes broke, ur showered in poo”. Aku mula sedar yg selama ni aku menjunjung lantai tandas di tingkat dua. Sejak dari itu, bunyi-bunyi yang cemar itu somehow menjadi satu ganguan pulak semasa aku menelan isi buku masuk ke otak, dan (lebih sadis lagi) jugak bila menjamah bekalan makanan masuk ke perut.

Oleh kerana aku lebih banyak membuang masa dengan diri sendiri, maka aku kerap balik ke rumah lewat malam. Kawan-kawan pulak mula menarik muka, tanda kurang selesa dengan kesibukan aku (kononnya). Suasana dirumah semakin tenat mengeluarkan suara dari lima mulut yang ada. Aku cuma berdiam diri, tidak mahu menanggung rasa serba salah. Dan bila aku tewas membendung rasa bersalah ini, aku cuba menyakinkan diri bahawa aku tak bersalah, aku berhak keatas 24 jam dalam setiap hari aku secara mutlak dan total. Lagipun no one says anything bout it so why bothered bringing up some shits? Aku sedar jika keadaan ni melarat, aku mungkin akan gagal untuk menguasai semula drama persahabatan ini. Takpalah, maybe next time aku cuba memulihkan keadaan. Every first step of strategy must be started with unusual approach. Aku yakin dengan sedikit lawak bodoh sebagai umpan, aku mampu memancing hati kawan2 semula. Samalah seperti memancing ikan di laut, adalah afdal jika umpan diludah terlebih dahulu sebelum dicampak ke laut. Aku belum pernah memikirkan akan kesahihannya secara saintifik, tetapi aku percaya ia sangat mujarab .

Well, who really cares..

again NTBR^^

|f|r|o|m|TB|w|i|t|h|l|o|v|e|

hey t22rians. ive got something chessy fer you all.
real sorry this is my first attempt.
so this might not really satisfy yo cravings.
naahh i dont expect compliments from anybody,
just hoping you all enjoy.

thats cool enough to me^^